SMack!

The Importance of Reality

by gina - 08.02.2004

DISCLAIMER - This article is the opinion of one girl. It is not something that I spent ten days writing. It is an off the cuff response to some things I have seen ALL over the net and in offline too. NO ONE should feel, think, conclude or otherwise decide that this post is in any way directed towards you. It isn't. It is a general observation.

I have been in the lifestyle for 7 years now. 5 of those years I was a bottom and did just sensation play. The last two years I have been Tau's sub. Tau lives in Australia and I am in Maine. i am what is known as a cyber subbie - we use the computer phone to communicate. Just to make that clear. I seem destined to challenge the norms - even here in a deviant subculture. I am almost 45 years old. It took me this long to get into the lifestyle because of misconceptions, lies and my socialization. I fought long and hard to find what i needed. I come into D/s bruised and abused mostly due to my own misconceptions and my acceptance of those misconceptions as being reality. I believed much of what I saw on TV, read in books and saw in movies about BDSM. I could not allow myself to be objectified and so I stayed out of the lifestyle for way too long. I knew I liked strong men, I knew I liked to be submissive but I also knew that I was independent and proud. I thought I didn't fit in. The result of this was that I attracted subbie men. After ten years in a relationship with such I finally decided I was holding something against someone who did not have the tools to give me what I needed and I moved on. My next move was to go to stronger men. This led to some abuse as the same power struggles were there and these men were not Dominants but Domineering. Then I spent 5 years in sensation play. That allowed me to submit my body but not my mind. I love BDSM and soon found myself being pulled in deeper and deeper. I had never heard of online or D/s at this point. Then one day I fell into the hands of one of the most dangerous abuser/predators to hit the NY area in my lifetime. I spent a night wondering if I was going to survive. What does all this have to do with the cost of tea in China? Please bear with me. Two years ago after my friends begged me to get a handle on my sensation play before I did in fact end up hurt - I was brought to The Female Submissive MSN group by a friend and met Tau. In D/s I found myself. I am complete and I am happy. It's not easy, nothing worth having is - but it is where I belong. Upon that discovery I came across many who represented this lifestyle in a way that I did not agree with. Besides these people I also discovered the "Titans" - those who stood up for what they believe to be true and challenged the reality of some of the claims people made. I am not talking about people who flame or attack due to personal disagreements but about those who stand up for and live what they believe in. I am not in the least impressed with bold dark fonts and capital lettered names - it takes action to earn my respect. Even believing this - the first few times I saw someone stand up against the abusers in our lifestyle I wondered - what the hell are they doing???? I was uncomfortable with it. It made me question them as I knew them. I kept most of these thoughts to myself and was very uncomfortable. After a time though of watching and observing - I came to realize that when these people whom I consider to be 'Titans' debate someone - it is usually for the same reasons:

• the person is preaching 'the one true way',
• the person is claiming to be better than someone else,
• the person is lying,
• the person is a predator,
• the person is passing off their fantasy as reality.

Again - I am not talking about those who just brazenly attack others for their own personal or oftentimes for no reasons at all or for self promotion. I mean those who have attacked the person's ideas, statements, contentions, outright lies and/or fantasies which were being presented as reality and not the person themselves.
It took me a while to realize that these people are very unselfish. They are not looking for a fan club or adulation. They are looking to represent their lifestyle as they know it to be true. And THAT I respect very much.

Now why is this important do you ask? Well - let me tell you my thoughts on this. For a fantasy to be presented as reality clouds the judgment of people. Statements like 'I was sold into slavery and had no say in the matter' or 'I am a Dom and have been for 25 years and I am 32 years old' are dangerous.
Why are they dangerous? Fantasy is a wonderful thing - isn't it? Yep I love fantasy - have a ton of my own. But I don't portray my fantasy as reality. That is where the difference lies. When fantasy is portrayed as reality innocent people can be hurt.
How? Let me give you but one example. One sub who came into our chat room at TFS was always 'scared'. She was always in distress. She was always upset. People spent hours and hours and hours talking to her. Most of my friends and assistant managers at our group were coming to me in messenger or posting about her in our private management group.
Doms would spend a whole evening 'calming' her. Subs would put their troubles aside to listen to her woes. This occurred in our chat room at TFS but I have met these people in munches, at play parties and in clubs. Then finally it dawned on me. I whispered her one day and said: 'angel (not her real name) - this is your fantasy isn't it?.' She agreed that it was.
I went on to explain to her that I could not let her continue in this manner in our groups. People were very concerned about her. Her stories of fear and abuse within our lifestyle were being believed by many. She was enjoying her fantasy without the consent or knowlege of others.
From two standpoints I believe that this is dangerous and that we as members of this lifestyle should not condone it:

• it gives 'vanillas' the wrong impression of us
• it may scare people out of the lifestyle

Perhaps this doesn't seem too important to you but to me it is. If I had believed someone's fantasy as being real I might not have found this place at this time in my life. I would not feel complete… I would not have learned all the many things Tau has taught me - I might not even be here at all.
And personally I am not someone who stays long in a group (offline or online) where only one person's views are allowed and sold as the way things should be. I am not interested in being a member of the herd and being led (except of course by my Master). I want the opinions of many so that I might formulate my own ideas and thoughts.
This happens only when people are allowed to be themselves and to speak their minds. It does not happen in moderated groups where management makes sure only their thoughts are allowed through. It does not occur when entire threads are deleted or people banned for not agreeing. That stops education I believe - it does not lead to growth.
So while I may not always agree with the statements and contentions of these 'Titans', while sometimes I may get annoyed to see them and others questioning and even attacking when necessary - I do believe that it happens for a purpose.
And that purpose is important to me… because if it wasn't for people like them - I might not have found my true place in this world. There are always those who will be strong enough to stand up in the defense of others and who seek nothing in return. I for one - thank them from the bottom of my heart.
So enjoy your fantasies, cheat on your partners, pretend to be in peril, state that your way is the only way, moderate your groups so you can be the big Cheese - but don't expect that I and others like me will sit back and accept it when you don't inform others of what you are doing. Fantasy is not my reality and it never will be. It cheapens our entire lifestyle in my opinion. And as such I hope it is always challenged, debated and attacked.
Thank you for your time. I remain…
just a girl.

© 2004 gina Gina's House (http://groups.msn.com/GinasHouse2).