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True Submission. It's Not (All) About Sex

Or, Separating The Profound From The Profane

by mark_MsHeart - 21.08.2003

(submitted with the approval & kind permission of my Mistress HeartTemptress)

How many times have you seen a newbie sub, especially in the various D/s chat rooms online, say, "I'm looking for a Mistress/Master."? While some of them are sincere, it's been my observation that many are not, which is usually borne out on further conversation with them. Mention learning more about the lifestyle; tell them about good sites to visit, (such as this one), try explaining the concepts of respect and true submission to them and they usually vanish faster than a dandelion in a hurricane. They look at D/s as little more than a kinky sexual thrill. Why is this? I have a few ideas here.

First of all, the majority of us likely started on our D/s path while playing around with a lover. We may have experimented with bondage, light spanking, etc. during foreplay/sex. In this context, it's easy to understand why so many get hung up on the sexual aspects of D/s. "This happened during sex, it aroused me, therefore D/s=sex." D/s is sensual and erotic, and always should be, but that doesn't make it sex. The definition of sensual is as follows: "sensual-adjective; of or arousing gratification of the senses and physical, pleasure", then it says "esp. sexual". Gratification of the senses doesn't mean having an orgasm or even sexual arousal. When I pet my cat, it is a sensual experience. That doesn't mean it arouses me sexually, (which it doesn't by the way), it just means that it is pleasing to my sense of touch.
As for the erotic aspect, yes eroticism is part of sexuality and arousal, but we don't always act on our arousal. If we did, then most men, since we think about sex some forty times a day according to the statistics, would be going around in public constantly fondling ourselves. That would never work, besides the public outcries that would happen, we would never get anything else done.

Next, as a culture, we are far too hung up on sex. I'm not a prude by any means, and what I mean is the constant bombardment we get from the media, our peers, etc. about it Whether it's flaunting sex, feeling guilty about it, disapproving of other's sexual orientation, etc., we are inundated with beliefs, images, and everything in between. Try looking past sex for a moment in your D/s feelings. Think about the other parts involved in it. Come on now, you can do it. Ok, while I may be a little tongue in cheek here, I am trying to prove a point. Feelings about D/s and sex are naturally mixed together, but can be looked at separately. Think about it for a moment. If you're in a valid D/s relationship, how much of it involves your mind, and how much involves your genitalia? If it's an honest D/s relationship, the level of your submission depends on your mind, not your loins. Besides, as a sub, it's not really "your" genitalia anymore is it? That's a distinction that few newbies seem to grasp. As a true sub, your attention should always be focused on your D/M when you're with them. Any pleasure or satisfaction you derive from the situation should be from the fact that you are pleasing Them. With my Mistress, some of the most pleasurable times I have are simply when W/we're engaged in conversation. Besides being kind and caring, as well has having high expectations of me, my Mistress is one of the most intelligent persons I've been honoured to meet in my life, so O/our conversations are always enjoyable and enlightening. The point here is, whatever you and your D/M are involved in at the time, conversation, training, serving, etc., treasure the time you have with Them. Stay focused on pleasing Them. While you may want/crave a spanking, bondage, or some form of serving Them sexually at that time, always remember, it's not about you, it's about you and your D/M, and what you can do to serve and please Them in whatever context They want.

My Mistress knows She owns me, mind, body, and spirit, but, at the same time, I'm a sub, not a slave. I am allowed time to pursue other things I enjoy, and to be myself when I need to. I categorize the level of submission I give to Her as "one step above a slave". My submission to Her is total, while still allowing me a certain amount of autonomy. She doesn't want me to lose my personality, and She knows my submissiveness is a major part of it, while at the same time not all of it. Other D/M's and Their subs may have different levels that works for them. Regardless of the level of submission you're at, it should be total within that level, and be as much of the mind as the body. It's easy to get excited and caught up in the idea of crops, cuffs, etc, but true submission doesn't require these things. They are the trappings that can make it more pleasurable to submit, the means to an end, not the end result itself. This is what I mean by separating the sexual feelings from the rest. They do have their place in most cases, but, keep in mind that, especially with male subs and their Mistress', in many cases, sexual contact of any kind may never be involved. Kind of ruins the whole fantasy of being flogged as a prelude to hot sex with a Mistress, doesn't it? Good. Because the deeper you get into D/s, the more you will, (hopefully), realize it's not just about your fantasies.

I do understand that the majority of men are more "sexually oriented" in many ways than most women are. It's genetically encoded in us from years and years ago, for growth of the species. But, this has been twisted around, and we often hear/brag of "sexual conquests", plus, rampant population growth isn't needed now. Is it time to rethink the way we look at sex? Not just in the D/s sense, though I am going to focus on that here. Like I stated, in many cases with Mistress' and Their male subs, sexual contact may not be allowed. There should always be sexual/erotic and/or sensual feelings in D/s, but, of course the amount and level of any sexual contact is always up to the D/M. As a sub, you should be willing to understand and accept that, within agreed on limits, of course.

As I always say, true submission is an art. It's not just serving or being trained/punished. It's immersing yourself as deeply as you can into being controlled by another. It is mental, spiritual, and physical, not just a means to arousal. Many, if not most aren't willing or able to make the same level of commitment that I strive to, and that's just fine. We all have to find our own levels of comfort in the lifestyle. You may find however, (as I did), that when you reach the level you think you want, you will soon crave going deeper into it.

Take the time to look at your level of commitment. Does it please you? Are you and your D/M both satisfied with it at this time? We all grow and change in all aspects of life as we learn and experience more things, and that may cause you to want to go to a deeper level.

"True Submission. It's Not (All) About Sex"
by mark_MsHeart, 21.08.2003
© 1997-2005 BDSM Backroom/mark_MsHeart
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