SMack!

The D/s Relationship

by mark_MsHeart - 19.08.2003

Submission is an art as well as a way of life for me. It does not mean that I am a doormat, a punching bag, or a whipping boy, (though that last can be fun at times). It does mean I give my gift of submission freely and willingly to my Mistress. One thing too many people both in and out of the lifestyle fail to see, is that besides the power exchange, both a sub and their D/M are equal as human beings. The giving up of power is a gift you give your D/M willingly. You are still a human being with the same rights as others. Now, in a D/s relationship, the balance of power is shifted, and some subs and D/M's may decide on certain rights the sub gives up. This is fine, as long as both are in agreement on which ones are given up, and the consequences involved should the sub fail in their responsibilities there. In my case with my Mistress, W/we are still at an early phase in O/our relationship, learning about each O/other, and O/our individual needs and wants. W/we do have clear and mutual goals as to what brings U/us both mutual satisfaction, and are very compatible both in regards to D/s and in many other aspects of O/our lives. Always remember that in a D/s relationship, (as in a vanilla one, though not with the same parameters), that it is always a learning process.
Although hard limits may never change, some softer ones may, and boundaries will be challenged, stretched, and changed as the relationship grows.

I cannot emphasis growth enough. We all grow and change as human beings all our lives, so, why do too many assume that once in a D/s relationship that everything is set in stone? You want to grow together in a D/s relationship, as you do in any. Most people equate "growth=change, therefore I don't want to grow since my growth may make my D/M unhappy, upset the balance of power,and/or cause problems in the relationship". True, growth does equal change, though not always a drastic change. As long as communication between you and your D/M is always open, most potential problems can be talked over and resolved in a way that satisfies both. Yes, certain things in a D/s relationship are and should be "set in stone", but in this case, I'm looking past the trappings of D/s, and at the core of the relationship. Keep in mind that, perhaps even more so than in a vanilla relationship, that in a D/s one, it is very symbiotic. Both have something to offer each O/other that E/each needs to be complete and fulfilled.

Communication and trust are the keys to a healthy relationship. If you can't communicate openly, (though always with the proper respect), with your D/M, how will they know your needs and vice versa? None of us are mind readers; so, if something is bothering either of Y/you, talk it out. This applies to more than your likes and dislikes as to D/s. For the true sub, while the D/s part is the main thrust, it is and should always be intertwined with all aspects of your relationship with your D/M. If your D/M is unwilling to openly communicate with you, and it doesn't matter if it's their personal limitations, or if they feel that your worries or opinions are beneath them, then you have a problem. You cannot serve or respect someone that doesn't respect you. Trust is of course self explanatory, (I hope), as it's even more important in a D/s relationship than in a vanilla one. If you don't feel you can trust your D/M, then how can you submit willingly, and by the same token, how can your D/M willingly accept your submission?

Compatibility outside of the D/s aspects of the relationship is very important. How many have seen a D/s relationship where while the sub and D/M may be perfectly compatible within the D/s aspects, they have little or nothing in common outside of that? As a consequence, how long do those relationships last? I'm not saying that you and your D/M have to have identical likes and dislikes on everything, but, if there aren't some similarities outside of D/s, one or both of Y/you will quickly become dissatisfied, and the relationship is doomed to failure. It's easy to overlook this in the rush of being offered a Collar, but, before a D/M even offers that, the two of Y/you should have had several serious conversations getting to know each O/other both in and outside of Y/your D/s feelings. Remember, you are looking out for yourself as well as your potential D/M. Please be clearheaded, neither of Y/you wants to be hurt or hurt each O/other by this.

True submission is an art, as well as a beautiful gift to offer a D/M, and should always be seen as such by the both of Y/you. If a potential D/M doesn't see that you are offering Them the ultimate gift that you can offer, is unwilling to allow you your basic rights as a human being, is unable to communicate openly with you, or feels that your opinions and feelings are of no consequence, then it's best to continue your journey. At the same time, if you are unwilling to make the important commitment needed to submit, think this is just a game, or are unsure about your feelings and can't resolve them by learning and communication, then you are not ready to submit to and serve a D/M as you should. On the last, please understand, I'm not just referring to TPE or 24/7, but to your mental and spiritual willingness to submit to whatever level is agreed on by both of Y/you.