SMack!

Reflections

by ChaoticBlue - 12.12.2002

I've been asked if being a sub is something I play at, or who I am. The more I learn, the more I know, the more convinced I am that it is who I am. What is right for Person A is not always right for Person B. What is enjoyable for Person B is not always enjoyable for Person A.

SSCF - Safe, Sane, Consensual and Fun. That's what BDSM should be, for all parties involved.

BDSM doesn't always involve sex, and it's not always a sexual act. For me, though, it is interwoven with sexuality, at least for the time being. Maybe later that will change. Everyone changes, grows, learns, evolves, adapts.

The more I learn, the more I grow, and the better I understand myself. I understand now that just because I'm not a doormat, just because I have not been willing to be submissive with past lovers, just because I haven't even been interested in being submissive with them does not mean that I'm not submissive.

I didn't trust them that much, not the majority. The total control I'm willing to turn over to my Dom now isn't something to give lightly. To turn over that complete control to anyone who crosses my path cheapens the value of that trust, in my eyes. Only someone who is worthy of me is worthy of that complete trust and control.

I am not a slut. I am not a doormat. I'm a perfectionist, and even anal retentive about details in my works. I'm very territorial, and I like things just so. I'm picky and controlling about so much in my life.

But with my Dom, I want to give up that control, completely. I crave being able to place myself, my body, my reactions, my well-being, my everything in his hands. I'm such a perfectionist that turning over the control to someone I trust completely frees me, allowing me to be able to just relax and enjoy the ride without worrying over the details. I don't have to worry if my reactions or my timing or anything I say or do is right or wrong.
My Master controls that, decides that. I just obey.

The act of turning over that control does not void my entitlement to pleasure and enjoyment. I do not exist to merely be my Dom's shagtoy. The scene has to be enjoyable and fun for the both of us. It's something to share with your partner, whether you're a Dom or a sub.

I do not have to bow to the whim of every Master. Any Master who expects that of me is immature. I have pride and dignity. Control over me belongs to only one person -- the one who has earned my trust to the level and degree it requires to fully place myself in his hands, without reservation or hesitation. Trust is something one must have in order to truly surrender full control. I am not a trust prostitute. My trust is not for sale, nor up for grabs for anyone who comes my way.

And my Master knows this, and he knows the value of the gift I place in his hands when I surrender my full control -- mind, body and soul -- to him. The exchange between us is not something to be taken lightly, here today gone tomorrow. It's a lifelong commitment, with a foundation of friendship, love, trust, and most of all, respect. Mutual respect.

My Master respects me as a person. He sees me as someone unique and valuable.
He listens to my input, holds open, honest conversation with me. I'm not a thing. I'm not some fucktoy he keeps in the closet. I'm not a china doll on the shelf. I'm not a possession. I'm real. I have emotions, I have intelligence, and he loves that. He loves every part, every aspect of me. He protects me as one might protect something dear to the heart.

There is no shame in what I do, or what I am. There is only fire. Passion, trust, love, respect. I am submissive, but that does not mean I lack a backbone. I will surrender control, but only to the one who is worthy of holding it. My submission, like my heart, is mine to give to whom I choose, when I choose, how I choose. No one can decide that for me.