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Player, Pretender, Lifestyler, ...

Views of the scene and a view on the scene

by Ashtarot - 20.10.2002

BDSM people don't differ from the rest of the world. They also tend to open a drawer and easily sort others into it. The most common drawers are: Real Lifestyler and Player.
Okay, here we go. The world has become very simple and we only need to distinct 'black' and 'white'. Now we have all we need. Our BDSM is the real BDSM and all, which does not fit into our concept, is looked at as Players.
Whew, that was simple.

Okay, let's get back to reality. BDSM is not just 'black' and 'white'. In between are thousands of grayscales.
Let's try to have a more detailed look at things.

Some people like to add some BDSM stuff to their sexuality as an addon to their sexlife. Are they Lifestylers? I guess not. Most of them even don't know the term BDSM or care about it. They just have fun adding some uncommon practices to their sexlife to spice it up. If you tell them they practice BDSM they will look at you quite shocked and tell you: "No, we are not into such pervert things."

A bunch of people run around and tells everyone who doesn't want to know that they are BDSM Lifestylers. It makes them different and probably they feel quite important being different from others. Mostly they don't know anything about BDSM (mostly just a few things they heard in a BDSM chat). Some of them are rather harmless, but some of them try to use the ideas of BDSM to abuse others who enter the lifestyle without knowing much about it themselves.
I tend to call them "pretender". They pretend to be in the lifestyle but hardly have a clue.
You can often recognize them easily. Sometimes even by the name they use (like MasterX, StrictDom, SirSuper, etc. etc.). Some are more demure in the choice of their nicknames, but you can often watch that they tend to use BDSM manners and traditions to "protect their property". They do not allow their sub/slave to talk to other Dom/mes and sometimes even not to other subs because they could see that there are different points of view (what a nonsense in a chat). But not only so called Dom/mes can act abusive, even some subs/slave use the mechanisms to gain attention and abuse others.

Another group of BDSM people are those who 'live' BDSM. They enjoy experimenting with different sexual practices and they enjoy the power exchange. Some even like to give or receive pain. Some like what's going on in their mind when being involved in a BDSM act and they can hardly imagine a life without BDSM.
This group ranges from people who occasionally involve BDSM in their sexual practices to people who live BDSM 24/7 or TPE.
Well, I already hear the harsh remark some people throw into the discussion: "How can you dare to put 24/7 and TPE into one bucket with those players who occasionally practice BDSM? Next you going to tell us a switch is also a real lifestyler?"
"Yes I do." But first of all I would like to refine the term "player". It has gotten a very negative touch in the context of BDSM. To play is a human characteristic and there is nothing bad about it. Playing is a powerful way of exploring things and it is fun. Exactly what BDSM should be.
The D/s aspect in BDSM has much to do with role-play and is often also an important part in SM relationships. At least certain aspects are used sometimes. Would anyone call participants of a D/s relationship players? Probably not, otherwise we would have to call people who practice a TPE or 24/7 relationship players also.

The scene often tries to seperate itself into different groups: SM-, D/s-, Bondage-people, Leather folks, Old Guard, New Old Guard, New Guard, etc. Each group tells the other that they are not real lifestylers and that their way of living the BDSM lifestyle is the right one.
Let's have a look at the history of BDSM and the development of certain groups.
The history of BDSM groups in the US started in the 50s with the so-called "Old Guard", a gay leather organization that was very much based on military principles and discipline. Most "members" were men who were soldiers returning home after World War ll (l939-1945). In the 80's, with the emergence of kinky organizations and specifically leather/SM events, a heterosexual SM scene and organizations started to form. Many organizations were founded all over the US and many of them are still active. At this time a second movement could be noticed. Some people didn't like to join the open groups and wanted to keep their BDSM private and under a strict codex. These groups are referred to as the "New Old Guard". There was hardly any information about the people calling themselves "Old Guard" and they did a lot to keep it this way.
Lately a bunch of people starts to claim to belong to the "Old Guard". They look at themselves as real lifestylers and call others "Players". A misconcept that might be born by the wish to separate from the masses and to be extraordinary. Oddly the "bible" (Leatherman's Handbook, Larry Townsend) of the "Old Guard" approaches a diffent view.
Cite: "All through this Handbook I will be at great pains to point out that much of what I have to say is opinion. Your reaction may be entirely different, and your desires may exceed or fall far short of the action I describe. This is exactly how it should be. No one -- Larry Townsend or anyone else -- can even begin to set the standards for your sexual needs and/or behavior."

Said in other words: Whether you live 24/7, TPE, SM, D/s, Bondage or occassional BDSM practices - don't put others easily into a simple drawer and call their attitude wrong. The only "real lifestyle" is the one a person and her/his partner practice for their fun and enjoyment.
BDSM is not only a matter of SSC; it's a matther of SSCF (Safe, Sane, Consensual and Fun).

"Player, Pretender, Lifestyler, ..."
by Ashtarot, 20.10.2002
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