SMack!

My Thoughts (4/4)
by Mistress Pamela

It's paradoxical (again) that a submissive can actually enjoy being humiliated, or frightened, or made subservient. Part of it is the delicious contrast in allowing herself to give up control in a situation where she knows she is actually "safe", because of her trust in her Dominant!

A bit like riding a roller coaster; logically, she knows she's quite safe, but emotionally, she experiences the thrilling sensation of danger. While being subjected to humiliation, or degradation, or fear, she will experience that mesmerizing loss of control; she may begin to tremble, even to cry; she experiences confusion, a loss of time of space, a feeling of frightened helplessness. The Dom who knows this can begin to "play" with her; give her orders, ask questions, with the knowledge that in her confused state she still knows she is safe and loved. And yet, to her it is not vicious -- but delicious! Of course, virtually all "playing" is a combination of the physical and psychological. For example, during an intensely physical scene, which may involve bondage and a good two or more hours of various physical torments, the Dom will be careful to set the stage emotionally; the Dom may begin "teasing" her days in advance with some special thrill she has planned for her. That evening she (Dom) may build up to the event for hours before actually bringing her into the "scene"; the Dom will pay special attention to things like lighting, music, temperature. And during the "main event" itself, the Dom will be careful with her pacing, and may lash her (sub/slave) with her (Dom) tongue as much as any "toy".
Above all, the Dom wants to choreograph an effective scene; make sure that she is not distracted or uncomfortable, that she gets the most out of it. Just as important is the "follow-up; after the scene, the Dom may spend hours cuddling her sub/slave, cherishing her, pampering her, talking to her, making love to her; letting her know in every possible way what a very special person she is. As I've said, Dominants are gentle~people; it's usually very difficult, even painful, to contemplate "hurting" one's beloved. Only the knowledge that the sub/slaves craves it so strongly, that it is not really experienced as "hurt", allows the Dom to treat her as she desires. But this is not to say that the Dom doesn't enjoy it; she wouldn't be a Dom if she didn't! She may spend hours savoring the thought of something new she has planned for her (sub/slave), selecting music, shopping for just the right "toy", or building a very special piece of equipment. But behind it all, there is always the knowledge of responsibility for this very special person who has placed her very being in the Dom's hands …

An important thing to understand is that D/s is a two-way street. There is a strong element of both trust and communication required to make it work, to last, to grow to its maximum potential.
The trust is obvious; it's difficult to contemplate putting one's body and soul under the
control -- even temporarily -- of someone you don't trust!
And it is fragile; if it is ever broken, restoring it is very difficult, if not impossible. Communication is a tricky issue for a submissive. She has a strong compulsion to give pleasure in whatever ways she is asked; she may find it difficult to communicate displeasure, or to let the Dom know if there is something particular that she desires. An intelligent Dom will thus pay special attention to her needs; watching carefully to see that she isn't made uncomfortable (even in small ways, like feeling cold, is her bondage comfortable), insisting on honest communication (usually through earnest daily discussion). And there is an added bonus: Because trust and communication are so important, they are enjoyed to a much greater degree than most couples experience them -- even to the extent, as I mentioned before, of an almost "psychic connection"!

Another paradoxical aspect is the use of "punishment" in D/s.
While the Dom may on rare occasions find it necessary to "discipline" her partner for some real transgression, it is generally not good to punish one's sub/slave for real-life issues. This usually leads to major stress in the relationship, and often its downfall. Therefore, more often, such issues are dealt with through serious, intense discussion rather than disciplinary action. Punishment should be fun! While punishment is something a submissive often dreads, it should also be something she looks forward to with great anticipation!

Of course, I've been treating this quite seriously throughout; as I said at the beginning, D/s is not a game. (in a sense it is) It's a lifelong game of personal interaction, of playful teasing, open and honest communication, of outrageous kinkiness and helpless laughter. Quite simply, while it has its serious, tender, and touching moments, one must never lose sight of the fact that it's also a Lifestyle.

  Mistress Pamela