SMack!

On Submission

by gentle siren - 29.12.2001

I've recently found an entirely new type of frustration. The mere word "femsub" automatically surrounds me with boundaries and personality traits I've never agreed to.

In a Lifestyle that's supposed to be…dominated…by open communication, open-mindedness and the open exploration of emotional and physical constraints, that one word, "femsub," changes what others expect my morals, my intelligence and even my own personal needs to be.

An online conversation on IRC usually goes something like this:

"Evening siren. How are you tonight?"
"I'm fine. Thanks for asking. How are you?"
"What do you look like? Send me a pic."
"I look like everyone else pretty much. I don't send pictures to strangers, sorry."
(long pause….)
"You are a submissive, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"You're seeking a relationship?"
"Yes, I am."
"Then answer my question and send a picture."
"I'm sorry. I have no idea who you are nor do I have any idea if I'm interested in you."
"You're not submissive."

I remember the first time a Dominant told me I wasn't submissive. I had been talking with this gentleman online via emails and on the phone for about a month and we were talking about meeting for the first time. I had a great deal of respect for him and I liked him allot. We had our meeting arrangements in place, a date and time selected but, when I refused to allow him "full access" to my body, he was less than pleased.

"You will wear and do as I wish our first evening together."
"Sir, this is our first meeting. In my opinion, it's not moral, nor practical to give you the rights you would have in a relationship. I'll dress in my best. I'll present myself to you as you wish to the degree with which I'm comfortable. But, I'm not going to mislead you. I won't schedule play or any kind of intimate interaction the first time we meet."
"You would DENY ME my satisfaction?"
"Guess so."
"You're not submissive."

And so it goes. I never understood why admitting I'm submissive means I'm "ready, willing and able" to any Dominant offer that comes my way. I've learned that "not submissive" sometimes means "not putting out."
It's even more interesting in "real life." I'm active in our local alternative lifestyles group and I make some decisions in my capacity for that group.

"You should do (this) instead of what you've planned to do."
"Why?"
"Because it's a better idea."
"We've tried that before. Actually, it was a mess."
"No, it won't be this time. You need to change the details to include the arrangements as I've described."
"Ummm….no.""Are you questioning my decision?"
"Ummm….the group's decisions aren't yours and I've been doing this a long time. I'm not questioning. I'm simply disagreeing.".
"You're not submissive."

On our local group's email discussion list, we once had an intense discussion about intimate play. I posted my opinion regarding play partners and the fact that I simply cannot comprehend the concept of a play partner. The basics: I understand this is merely my opinion and a play partner arrangement/relationship perfectly fills the needs of some in the Lifestyle. But, to me, play is too much, too intimate, to share within a casual commitment. And, with this thinking, I know I lose. I don't play a great deal and I'm even jealous of those that can find a place in their lives for such an arrangement, especially those searching for "THE ONE." Still, for me, it's not right.

The next post was from a Dominant who told me I was "wrong" to think the way I did. I wasn't fully understanding the basic concepts of the Lifestyle as a whole and, since I wanted to have such control over my own relationships, I wasn't submissive, I was in fact Dominant instead and I should stop lying to myself and just explore my dominant tendencies and stop pretending to be submissive. "You're NOT submissive."

Oh.

"Not submissive" sometimes means my own morals make other people uncomfortable or are inconvenient to them.
Am I submissive? I offer the following in my defense. You decide for yourself.
I'm preparing for a date with one I trust and am secure with. If not given instructions on how to dress, I'll ask for them. I need to know if my hair should be put up or left down and curled. I will ask what color nail polish is preferred and if my nails should be long and tapered or short and blunt. A dress or a skirt isn't my decision nor are the colors I wear: I would prefer to have their preference and dress accordingly. I have garters and stockings in a variety of colors and I will ask if panties are desired. I'll even pout if they are requested, because I do love to be touched, wherever and however he would desire.

I long for the request to lay my leather carefully out on my bed for our after dinner time together. I carefully separate the wrist cuffs from the ankle cuffs and, if not given specific instructions of what to make available, I'll put ALL the toys out, carefully cleaned and arranged. I check all the batteries so there is no need for interruption during play nor any chance of inconvenience.

If instructed to prepare for play by undressing or securing my own cuffs, I often have to be careful not to stumble over my own feet in my haste. My own anticipation is well beyond my own control.
During play, I release fully to the one I trust, to the point where I cannot even respond to his questions. I focus so fully on his instructions, careful not to miss any detail I may be given, other personal thoughts pushed away fully. A request for my opinion is met with confusion and hesitation. I don't have opinions then. I don't want them. I want only to be told. I want only to obey.

In a relationship, I desire the boundaries and control of another. I long for a prescribed bedtime, even a daily schedule to follow. I would hope for interruptions during my day necessary to follow the instructions given previously to me to direct my thoughts back to my owner constantly. I would desire restrictions on rules in every aspect of my life, including asking permission to attend personal/social events or limits on who I can and cannot speak with online in emails and such. I would welcome rules that touch every facet of my life and I would follow each and every instruction to the final detail. Within the ownership of another I trust, I find comfort and a security unlike anything I've imagined before.

My focus becomes this man and every decision I make in my life would be with his opinion taken into consideration. New clothing, jewelry, makeup would all be purchased based on his preferences. My only preference is to entice his attention and make him smile. My social life would be whatever he prescribed it to be; events and nights out that excluded his attendance would lose their importance to me. I would hope, instead, to spend that time with him or doing something for him. My world would change slowly and gently until I merely became a part of his.
I would seek his guidance on decisions and I would strive for his pride in my accomplishments. I would capture the world and lay it at his feet if that was his wish. If it would bring a smile to his lips, I would do anything for my owner.

"Master, I know you're out there and I know I'll find you soon. I may not know your name yet, but I'll be patient and wait until the time is right for us. Please know I'll present myself to you with pride and you'll be secure in the fact that I haven't been sampled by every Dominant within a 200 mile radius. You'll know I've been strong and kept my own morals and my own pride in place, only so I have them to offer fully to you when you do come to me.
"Master, may I be your pet? May I be your pleasure, however you wish to have that from me? May I dress as you wish and may I please curl up into your care each and every day of my life, when I'm afraid and when I'm playful and spirited? Master, will you hold my life in your hands and give me rules to live by that suit our future together?

"Master, am I submissive?"