SMack!

Meeting People

by delilah - 14.04.2000

The following copy of an eMail was forwarded to me with the permission to publish it here on the site. Its not meant to blame someone but to show two important things: It is important to care for your safety when meeting people you don't know and it shows in a wonderful way that being submissive doesn't mean to be careless and that you can and always should voice your opinion and thoughts, especially when it concerns your safety.
Being a good Dom/me means to consider those aspects and respect a person's concerns.
(See also Safety - Meeting People)

Ashtarot

"It was nice talking with you tonight via dialpad. I must admit that you gave me numerous things about which I had to think.

I have grave concerns about not being allowed safe calls, and for being punished for having them. In all my time involved in the lifestyle (and though the numbers of relationships I've had is limited, their quality was not), I've never heard of being denied a safe call. In fact, I find it difficult to accept that a submissive would be punished for being responsible enough to ensure her own security. That just goes counter to everything I've been taught, whether in D/s or in plain old "real" life.

Though I have not been invited to your place, I still feel the need to voice my concerns about this policy. As the mother of a small child, I cannot imagine acting in such a fashion as to allow even the slightest chance of my son losing his mother because I wanted to meet someone from online. I'm not saying you ARE Jack the Ripper, but you could be--anyone could be … until you've spent time (not just over drinks) with someone, you just don't know.

Perhaps that is part of the attraction for some, that uncertainty--especially with you requiring the 72-hour minimum at your place and no contact with the outside world. Total immersion within that world … I must admit it is an attractive idea, but not attractive enough to forget safety.

I don't mean to sound like I'm judging you or your policies or anyone who accepts them. These are just my own observations and opinions. You have the four rules you mentioned to me (Honesty, Respect, Obedience, Pleasure), and I have some of my own, though they do involve two of your four. My rules are Honesty, Communication, Respect, Loyalty.

Respect is a two-way street, and respect must also be earned by both the dominant and the submissive. There are several levels to respect: respect as a person, respect as a Dominant, respect as one's Dominant; respect as a person, respect as a submissive, respect as one's submissive. Each should be given respect, the needs of each should be respected, the safety of each should be mandatory in my opinion.

My rules aren't for everyone, in fact they're only for me. The dominant to whom I surrender will be someone who shares my values and who respects my feelings on this. Though I am a submissive, I am allowed to have my own rules while I am on my own, and I do. When I submit to a dominant, it will be safe, sane, and consensual.

I hope I have not offended you with my feelings, and I certainly don't mean to come across as a bitch. I just felt the need to share my feelings with you as you shared yours with me earlier tonight. I wish you happiness in all that you seek."